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@autism101@mstdn.socialSome autistic people find making phone calls extremely stressful and unpleasant and will avoid them at all costs.
Please don’t try and force your communication preferences on others.
image: anon
#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD @actuallyautistic
@autism101 some people without and autism diagnosis too. Thanks for the reminder
@juliaj I always thought, this is me. But I'm not autistic, am I? Well... today is the 1 week anniversary of my ASD diagnosis and I still hate phone calls. Voice mail, too. How can people do this to each other!? @autism101
@autism101 I just called someone I really needed Right Now (and I know they usually handle email instantly, only I didn't know if they were near their email) and I'm glad I managed but still shaking a bit.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic i use to hâte calling people.
But got sort of used to it, cause i have to admit, its much more efficient that emailing.
@CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic I feel like it was less awkward with back in the day with landlines. Less time delay. Anything over the internet is the worst, because you start talking, and don't realize the other person started talking already but it took like 2 or 3 seconds to get to you, so it's this constant back and forth interrupting each other, "I feel li—sorry, go on..."
I've never really liked it either way though, with the exception of a few choice people.
@gordoooo_z
I agree. The quality of the audio and difficulty with timing or lag or whatever it is makes talking over the phone a lot more difficult than it used to be.
@gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic
It absolutely was easier with landlines. I am old enough to remember before there were answering machines (fuck them sideways) or any other tech enhancements to the basic phone.
With the basic phone, if you have summoned up the energy to call them, and they don't answer, there's no record. If they call you, and you don't answer, there's no record. Although my mother would have complained... my hatred for phones is deep and undying.
@gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Now that we have multiple methods of text-based asynchronous but instantaneous communication, why would anyone think it's OK to phone someone without FIRST checking by text/whatever that they're willing to receive the call?
@gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Obviously, when I say "my hatred for phones" I am actually typing this on a phone. I love phones in the modern sense of small but hugely powerful portable computers. In the older sense of a dumb interruptive synchronous audio-only communication device, I hate phones and always will.
@gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Just, FFS, don't "pick up the phone" and call someone, unless you know they're OK with that. Send a text/WhatsApp/whatever saying something along the lines of "Hey, I'd like a chat, are you happy to talk now or can we schedule a time?"
@regordane I agree and disagree. I generally don't like being called or having to make calls, but there was something magical about a phone back in the POTS days. Maybe it was the static, or maybe it was that you could see the wire going into the wall, and knew it snaked outside the house, into the ground, and off into a great expanse of tangles. And Jeesus do I hate having a smartphone. SMS was great, but the biggest mistake humanity ever made was taking MSN/AIM/ICQ/etc. out of the home...
@regordane ...office and putting it in our pockets, always on, with read receipts and the expectation that you're available. The beauty of instant messaging back in the 2000's was that you logged on to talk to people, so people were willing to have lengthy conversations, and then you logged off when you wanted to do something else. Now, even my best friend and I keep it short, because hey, idk if you're at work, or fighting with your s/o, or just don't feel like chatting... you're *always on*
@regordane @gordoooo_z @autism101 @actuallyautistic
I used to think that way, until somebody told me they dont _Have to_ answer. If somebody pick-up the phone, they chose to be disturbed
@CedC @regordane @autism101 @actuallyautistic True, but not picking comes with side effects. I got really burned out at the end of last year, to the point where my phone's notification sound would send me into a rage. I finally decided to just put that shit on Do Not Disturb once I decided my day was done, but then I'd come back to a big wall of missed calls, and messages, and overwhelm. Hasn't stopped me from putting it on Do Not Disturb anyway, but it's definitely a thing.
@CedC @regordane @autism101 @actuallyautistic I'm very close to switching my personal phone to a Linux phone (as long as calls and texts work, whatever) and relegating my main Samsung to work phone duty (jfc do I need a work phone, one that can just go in a drawer during off hours).
@CedC @regordane @gordoooo_z @autism101 @actuallyautistic Yes and no. If one has a loved one who is ill or in someone else's care, the decision to pick up the phone is much less of an option. When my father was dying, answering the phone wasn't optional.
@CedC
This isn't quite right - I don't have to answer, but I still get disturbed simply by the phone forcing me to pay attention to it and making a decision. I can, of course, simply shut the thing up entirely - then there *will* be people who demand I don't. At this point, if you call me without notice or emergency once, I'll politely ask you not to. The second time, you get blocked. If you want to talk, I'll have to call you back. Maybe.
@regordane @gordoooo_z @autism101 @actuallyautistic
@CedC@diaspodon.fr @regordane@mastodon.me.uk @gordoooo_z@hachyderm.io @autism101@mstdn.social @actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe I had my phone set up so that if certain trusted numbers called twice within a short time it would override 'Do not Disturb' so that people could get me in a real emergency (e.g. if I'm in a cinema where an emergency interruption is OK and obviously I'll immediately dash out).
I had to turn this off since despite explaining how it worked to my parents they would still ring twice within the window if they didn't get an answer the first time.
@regordane @gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic because for some people making the call right then is better than forgetting the scheduled call *again*. Because the whole point of this post is that not all people function the same, and that's ok.
@regordane @gordoooo_z @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic There were happy times in my life where I had no phone. At all. It was the best and it annoyed the relatives
@regordane Answering machines -right
I'm so old there was a thing called party lines. Cheap ass phone companies utilized multiparty lines to connect many homes to the same telephone line at a time, -your neighbor's could pick up the phone and listen to your calls
in.gordoooo_z@hachyderm.io @CedC @autism101 @actuallyautistic
@autism101 So true. Even here on Mastodon, where there is greater tolerance for autism, people react negatively when I say I emailed instead of called.
I am now at the point where I can confront others: Do you know no other way to communicate than calling by telephone? You do? Then why force your prefered way on me? Are you intolerant?
Now thát rattles their cages. 
This is probably the biggest fuckup I did as a manager of software developers. Of course I knew about developers often being on the spectrum. I also knew about emotional bandwidth, that "people" communicate better the more information we give/receive and thus "an email is better than a text. a phone call is better than an email. a video call is better than a phone call".
My failure was in not properly weighing these two snippets of knowledge against eachother. I did repeatedly ask some developers to just call their colleagues on the other side of the globe instead of "just" emailing them.
What I can do today is spread the knowledge and hopefully other managers will learn from those mistakes.
@troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic
For developers, phone and video calls have the additional drawback that they likely pull them out of their productive work, which means half an hour of wasted productivity for answering a "quick question".
This can be very annoying.
I like pair programming, and anxiety is not the problem for me in this setting;
but the assumption that it's "easier" to "just" have a phone call is plainly wrong ... even in the best case, it still interrupts my focus.
1/2
A call *can* turn out to be effective.
But knowing that instead of the information, I could get the dreaded "quick call instead" or even "I'll call you" reply, does make me think twice about posing quick questions.
2/2
And focus lost is not easily regained, I have to add.
@wakame @troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic Trust me, that applies to marketers as well. Voice not so much. Video is hell. No, I am NOT looking at you, I am looking at three screens of live metrics and engagement flow numbers on the rather expensive campaign I just launched.
@kodalynx @troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Interrupting knowledge workers is equivalent to hiring a person to carry heavy boxes from A to B, only to interrupt them every few minutes to come to your home and move a book from one room to another.
@troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Phone can be quicker for back and forth discussions.
Written (text/email) is better for larger data dumps, for asking/answering a series of questions and recording the answers in a searchable format for later reference, and for allowing the respondent to answer when it is convenient for them and also so they can consider/compose the response. I use both and choose the method according to the need at the time.
That adage is just entirely wrong from the 2nd part onward.
Video is even *worse* than a voice-call unless one can display something else than one's own body.
And phone calls are less permissive of proper referencing than text (particularly hypertext) on top of being a synchronous imposition on another's time (another flaw shared by video calls).
@troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic "a video call is better than a phone call"
WTF, no! My camera stays off when someone videocalls me.
Some managers tried to establish that during the peak of home office, but the entire staff successfully resisted.
@hennichodernich @troed @autism101 @actuallyautistic
Good!
I consider "turn on your cameras" to be an abusive demand and have said as much to m{e,i}ddle managers on at least one occasion when they tried to insist ... it's a no-go as far as I am concerned, for a lot of reasons.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic This is me. Period.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic I've been "telephonophobic" my entire life, and I'm not autistic. I just attribute it to being introverted. It drives my wife nuts sometimes, but at least if I write what I want to say I can be clearer and more precise than struggling for words on a 'phone call.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic
So true. I just come from phoning my sister. A direct call is nice though, from time to time 
I get this from my manager in work all the time.
Via email.
He doesn't get that I'm a verbal mess, but I'm fucking Mozart when it comes to drafting an email
To be more serious, I don't get how people, in business settings, prefer information transfer with no searchable records (aka phone calls) over written messages. What do they do if they need to check up on a certain detail at a later point in time? Just call again and stop making progress on their task if they cannot get in touch with the person who might have the information they failed to write down?
Exactly! It's yet another reason I prefer written communication - with my ADHD it makes things a LOT easier if I can have something to refer back to
@autism101 @actuallyautistic it's also frustrating when an organization has an email or web form but never replies to those
or just calls back, ffs
@river @autism101 @actuallyautistic
I hate it when I'll state a preference and then someone will drop "let's have a call" as though they're playing some magical trump card.
People treat "call" like some obviously superior, adult, proper way to do something.
Every 30 minute call can be a 5 minute text exchange.
And somehow, I'm the weird one for wanting to do things precisely and concisely.
@janusfox @river @autism101 @actuallyautistic
The odd thing is that, in 30 minutes of speech, you can say more than you can type in ... 6 hours?
And yet writing *is* often more concise... 
@autism101 @actuallyautistic I'm not autistic and I prefer e-mails too!
@autism101 @actuallyautistic
Heck, some non autistic people do too, for that matter.
@autism101 A lot of people here seem to miss the point. You're not autistic if you don't like calling people, and for people with autism, it goes a lot further than simply "not like calling people".
I FEAR calling strangers, like I FEAR having to meet strangers. If I am forced to, I have sleepless nights days in advance, mulling over all possible permutations of the conversation I need to have. Even if the conversation is about my "specialism". 1/2
@autism101 I've learned to hide that fear (usually more of a female trait), but inside I remain that furiously peddling duck.
It has led to 3 burnouts, the first when I was 25, and the last, when I was 50, caused permanent mental damage and left me unable to work any longer (picture a software developer not being able to remember syntax anymore). 2/2
The greatest app/service was Path Talk, which allowed you to message any company, by having an actual person be the go-between on the phone. It was a godsend.
@autism101 99% of the time I’m told to “just call them omg it’s so much quicker” it’s some boomer who doesn’t realize every company on earth has worked really hard to eliminate customer service people from their business model so there’s no one to pick up anymore
@autism101
@actuallyautistic Since childhood I found making phone calls challenging, and even after working front line support taking angry customer calls, I still always avoid calling unless there is no other option, alas here in Spain it's still very much the case that if you want something you'll have to call, even more challenging if you aren't a native speaker.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic I'm not a huge fan of phone calls. I can do them if I need to, but reading something and having it there to remind me of what was said, is much more valuable to me. I do understand that we need to learn certain skills to survive in the world, and I am doing that, but I try to respect people's preferences. Also for me, a caregiver, I'm often around other people, and it's rarely easy for me to take a phone call.
@autism101 @actuallyautistic what would be the reasoning behind the fear ? live talk doesn't allow people to think or express themselves as they need ? which is a deep need for autists ?
@jnpn @autism101 @actuallyautistic
For me, talking on the phone is PHYSICALLY painful, let alone anxiety-inducing!