mstdn.social is one of the many independent Mastodon servers you can use to participate in the fediverse.
A general-purpose Mastodon server with a 500 character limit. All languages are welcome.

Administered by:

Server stats:

18K
active users

Having a fine time at ToorCamp this time.

But before I forget, or shove it down deep, I want to mention something that happened

In my own city, in my local hackerspace.

At an afterparty for Teardown

An admin of the space said to me:

"Wow, you have such a nice flat belly, good and thin"

And, when I went mute from shocked discomfort,

"It's just nice to have someone actually attractive in here for once"

There was more

I'm just still speechless. The anger too raw

I want people to know tho

⚡🔌ℂlaire 𝔻anielle ℂassidy♾️

Now, I know how men view me. How they view anyone they consider an attractive object to pursue. I've lived my *life* in this body.

I've also fought tooth and nail to be seen as skilled, capable, expert. I focus on that.

But I *know* this man's outer dialogue is a massive amount of how most men quietly see me, especially in this regressive fucking industry.

And then people tell me "he's a nice guy". And "I've never seen him do that!"

It's the gaslighting that will make me give up.

I'm practiced at venting online for personal and activist reasons.

This one is a bit raw, pretty activating.

So, I request that comments be as far from 'a stranger giving fix-it advice' as possible. Emotional support is fine. Words of solidarity would be great. I don't know what I want to do yet, if I do try to do something I need it to be on my own time and terms.

Thanks for listening.

Something I want to *stress* as people share this.

This is NOT RARE. This is the NORM. This is not "he's bad, most are good". This is SYSTEMIC and INSTITUTIONAL. We are *all* programmed with this. We breathe it. Breaking it down to "but the guys here are mostly good" and "techbros are bad" but no one's tech guy friend is a techbro because he's not a bad guy...

IT'S NOT SIMPLE.

IT IS ADDRESSABLE.

MEN ARE IN A POSITION TO ADDRESS THIS POWERFULLY.

I HATE HOW IT GETS DUMBED DOWN.

I'M SO MAD.

@LaserMistress Good god. The sheer brazenness here is appalling, but yeah it's also just saying the quiet part out loud. The more subtle undercurrent that enables this is endemic and goes unchallenged, and moreso in some spaces than others. In the end, I am grimly unsurprised, and furious along with you.

I'm sorry you got the brunt end of this, and that these spaces continue to dismiss and downplay this bullshit. I've got your back if you do want to do something at some point, just lmk 💜

@LaserMistress What the actual fuck.

And yes, it is systemic. And no matter how often it happens, I'm still left speechless every time.

Feel hugged if that is ok.

@foosel @LaserMistress Do you think this is connected to messages we give children that girls should be pretty and boys should be tough?

@Workshopshed @LaserMistress from my perspective after 41 years on this planet as a female nerd, it is the underlying misogynistic and patriarchal message that girls & women should be pretty to be nice to look at *for men*, preferably while being subservient to and definitely not trying to compete with them in anything that they deem important.

Thankfully, those are ideas that see some strong pushback these days, but sadly the base messaging of "girls should (just) be pretty" persists.

@LaserMistress I am so. Fucking. Tired. of other dudes (I'm a white cis mid-50's guy) wink-and-nudging my way with bullshit like this, just assuming that I'm on board with this kind of casual misogynist objectification of women because I'm a man. It makes me furious to the bone every time I hear - or witness - something like this & cannot fathom how so many men don't seem to find it disgusting, or even notable as a problem at all. I don't know how to comfort you, save to say that you're heard.

@LaserMistress I heard a part of that exchange when I passed by on my way out the door! I am your witness to that event.

I've been replaying the (approximate) wording of your eventual response in my head since then because I've NEEDED a response to situations like yours in the past, and in the future I don't want to freeze in the moment and throw up in private after like I usually do.

And it was so obvious at the time that when you found some words they came from a place of deep familiarity with such bullshit situations. I'm so sorry, Claire. 😭♥️

@straithe ❤️ oh, it's so good to not feel somehow alone in a crowded room with this.

I'm often articulate and direct to a fault, that's part of what threw me is that I was so shocked I feel like I wasn't. That said, I know I said something and or made a face that made him immediately question and double down defensively.

No memory of what I said. Probably a default script like "Yeah I made all of this" or "I'm an expert in LEDs." I have several of these to reorient conversation with men.