mstdn.social is one of the many independent Mastodon servers you can use to participate in the fediverse.
A general-purpose Mastodon server with a 500 character limit. All languages are welcome.

Administered by:

Server stats:

10K
active users

#zeframcochrane

0 posts0 participants0 posts today

“I can’t take away the guilt,” I say, with what I am shocked to realise is tenderness – before now, I hadn’t realised I was even capable of that. “But I can tell you that I’d do everything we’ve done again a thousand times without missing a beat. And that you owe me nothing. We’re even. We’re clear.”

“Do you not fear what you might permit by allowing this?” Solkar says after a moment.

I recognise that his self-hate, that feeling I’m so familiar with, is trying to worm its way back in. Yet a choked little laugh comes out of me before I can stop it. “No. Good God, no. Absolutely not.”

“Why?” Solkar says.

I say all that I can say, because it’s true. “I know you too well.”

Solkar looks away. I can feel him struggling. I notice that his hands are clenched on the knees of his uniform, his knuckles bone-white. Eventually he looks back at me. “I understand,” he says, “but—”

I give up. “Solkar,” I say, with sudden, frustrated, annoyed affection, “for God’s sake, shut up.” I don’t know what the hell possesses me to do it, but an impulse suddenly takes me and I reach out and place my fingers – a little parted in the middle, like a ta’al – on the back of his hand.

There’s a sudden thrill, a sensation I can’t describe. It’s not something he’s doing to me. For some reason, I feel like it’s something I’m doing to him. I feel him tense with surprise, even shock, and then all at once the tension seems to melt out of him. I look up, studying his face. For once, Solkar has an expression even the most oblivious human could read: he is visibly stunned. His eyes, dark brown and depthless, are wide and uncertain. But that permanently set jaw is no longer set. And his gaze is no longer through me. It’s at me.

I didn’t realise how badly I needed that until this precise instant. And I don’t want it to end.