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#theonion

51 posts24 participants5 posts today

Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air

WASHINGTON—With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps planes in the air. “This electromagnet, which I’ve order to be immediately shut …
#theonion
theonion.com/trump-cutbacks-fo

Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere

NEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Aaron Rodgers feels like he could be a great fit for the culture of other places,” said an anonymous NFC general manager among the f…
#theonion
theonion.com/numerous-teams-ex

Revival Of Internship Program Heralds CEO’s Daughter Coming Of Age

ALHAMBRA, CA—Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company’s internship program heralded the coming of age of CEO Richard Bonaldo’s daughter. “Restarting the internship program after a nine-year hiatus is the clearest sign yet that Alicia has …
#theonion
theonion.com/revival-of-intern

Drunk Man Doesn’t Like The Way Kumon Logo Looking At Him

CHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn’t like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. “Keep staring, bitch, and see what happens,” said Dotson, standing nose to nose with the neutral face floating in the window […]
The post Drunk Ma…
#theonion
theonion.com/drunk-man-doesnt-

It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn’t Grooming Children

SEATTLE—Voicing concern about the adult’s aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea, a grown man on Roblox, wasn’t using the online gaming platform to groom children. “If he was on here trying to find underage players and lure them into some sort of sexual relationship, that would be s…
#theonion
theonion.com/it-almost-weirder

Dalai Lama Revises Claim Life Only Suffering When Not Listening To Golden-Era Supertramp

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—The Dalai Lama announced in a press conference Monday that he has revised his position that suffering is an inevitable fact of life and that he now believes life is only suffering when one is not listening to golden-era Supertramp. “I was recently lent a remastered ver…
#theonion
theonion.com/dalai-lama-revise

Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration over the vice president’s continued presence in both the White House and his life, President Donald Trump was reportedly unsure Monday about what department he had to cut to make JD Vance go away. “I’ve tried the Education Department, USAID, the FBI, and still he keeps showing up,” said Trump, w…
#theonion
theonion.com/trump-unsure-what

Political Profile: Kristi Noem

Kristi Noem has vowed to use her power as Secretary of Homeland Security to crack down on immigration. Here is everything you need to know about the Trump cabinet member’s background. Ethnicity: Real Housewife Religion: Cabela’s fundamentalist Homeland Security Experience: Has Ring camera Dream Job: Host of an HGTV show about making over the border […]
The post Political Profile: Kristi Noem appeared f…
#theonion
theonion.com/political-profile