“You could have made a deal”, Trump blames Poland for starting World War II

“You could have made a deal”, Trump blames Poland for starting World War II
Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air
@jmcrookston
Oh you and your stories for the #TheOnion.
Next chapter she'll be tarred, feathered and ridden out of town on a rail.
Have her nominees got names yet?
Thanks to Our New Efficiency Czar, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Is Saving More Money Than Ever
We Are Ending Our DEI Program at Four Loko
Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air
Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air
WASHINGTON—With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps planes in the air. “This electromagnet, which I’ve order to be immediately shut …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-cutbacks-force-faa-to-unplug-giant-magnet-that-keeps-planes-in-air/
CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase
The post CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/cia-announces-it-has-obtained-the-briefcase/
Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere
NEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Aaron Rodgers feels like he could be a great fit for the culture of other places,” said an anonymous NFC general manager among the f…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/numerous-teams-express-interest-in-aaron-rodgers-playing-elsewhere/
Revival Of Internship Program Heralds CEO’s Daughter Coming Of Age
ALHAMBRA, CA—Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company’s internship program heralded the coming of age of CEO Richard Bonaldo’s daughter. “Restarting the internship program after a nine-year hiatus is the clearest sign yet that Alicia has …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/revival-of-internship-program-heralds-ceos-daughter-coming-of-age/
Drunk Man Doesn’t Like The Way Kumon Logo Looking At Him
CHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn’t like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. “Keep staring, bitch, and see what happens,” said Dotson, standing nose to nose with the neutral face floating in the window […]
The post Drunk Ma…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/drunk-man-doesnt-like-the-way-kumon-logo-looking-at-him/
Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away
Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegseth’s Security Clearance
It Almost Weirder That Grown Man On Roblox Isn’t Grooming Children
SEATTLE—Voicing concern about the adult’s aberrant behavior, sources confirmed Monday that it was almost weirder that Richard Shea, a grown man on Roblox, wasn’t using the online gaming platform to groom children. “If he was on here trying to find underage players and lure them into some sort of sexual relationship, that would be s…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/it-almost-weirder-that-grown-man-on-roblox-isnt-grooming-children/
Dalai Lama Revises Claim Life Only Suffering When Not Listening To Golden-Era Supertramp
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—The Dalai Lama announced in a press conference Monday that he has revised his position that suffering is an inevitable fact of life and that he now believes life is only suffering when one is not listening to golden-era Supertramp. “I was recently lent a remastered ver…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/dalai-lama-revises-claim-life-only-suffering-when-not-listening-to-golden-era-supertramp/
Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away
WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration over the vice president’s continued presence in both the White House and his life, President Donald Trump was reportedly unsure Monday about what department he had to cut to make JD Vance go away. “I’ve tried the Education Department, USAID, the FBI, and still he keeps showing up,” said Trump, w…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-unsure-what-department-he-has-to-cut-to-make-jd-vance-go-away/
Political Profile: Kristi Noem
Kristi Noem has vowed to use her power as Secretary of Homeland Security to crack down on immigration. Here is everything you need to know about the Trump cabinet member’s background. Ethnicity: Real Housewife Religion: Cabela’s fundamentalist Homeland Security Experience: Has Ring camera Dream Job: Host of an HGTV show about making over the border […]
The post Political Profile: Kristi Noem appeared f…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/political-profile-kristi-noem/
Study Finds Ozempic Can Reduce Alcohol Cravings
A growing body of evidence suggests that GLP-1 drugs, which include semaglutide, the active ingredient in Ozempic, may be useful for treating alcohol use disorder. What do you think?
The post Study Finds Ozempic Can Reduce Alcohol Cravings appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/study-finds-ozempic-can-reduce-alcohol-cravings/
Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet Tapped to Host White House Correspondents’ Dinner
Master negotiator Donald Trump to end Ukraine war by simply giving Russia everything it wants