For several years, since I was experiencing a severe mental health crisis, I have been diagnosed with several different diagnoses. Some of them raise questions for me, while others are very obvious to me in my daily life. One of the first was "Intermittent Explosive Disorder." After several instances of aggression, self-harm, and severe physical confrontations, I went to a psychiatric hospital emergency room for help. After several months of diagnostic interviews, nothing was clear, and various possibilities were speculated about, including Borderline Personality Disorder. One day, I urgently asked to be admitted for fear of ending up killing someone or taking my own life. After almost two years, I had a mixed diagnosis of "Bipolar Syndrome." Apparently, the episodes of explosive disorder were confused with manic episodes and perhaps "something else."
The wrong medication (antidepressants) aggravated the bipolar syndrome, generating a permanent hypomanic state with unexplained outbursts of aggression. Things became clearer when I evaluated my post-traumatic stress disorder due to physical and psychological abuse in childhood and several extreme experiences at work and in dangerous situations, which I found myself entangled in due to my manic tendency to disdain danger. A diagnosis of high intellectual ability also came into play, resulting in a ton of tests I took for months.
Then I abandoned therapy and moved far away with my current wife. I lived a fairly stable, albeit difficult, life. Until I met an autistic hacker online and began to identify with everything he was going through, and I began to research.
Then, in 2018, my granddaughter was born, and in 2020 she was diagnosed with autism, along with my daughter. I then had no doubts, and in 2022 I received my diagnosis (I couldn't get it before because of the pandemic).
Although the picture is much clearer, I still see areas and aspects where symptoms and traits from all those diagnoses intersect and blend together. They all have traits and symptoms in common, and it's almost impossible to tell which one is which.
What is clear is that it is a double exceptionality (or triple, according to some), where Giftedness, Autism, and Bipolar Disorder are combined. It's not easy to juggle those three things and autoimmune diseases because often what improves one thing aggravates another, or medications like levothyroxine or corticosteroids have side effects that worsen autistic traits or mental symptoms.
One of the things that can seriously deregulate me is excessive stimulation, whether sensory or internal mental. That is, the sounds, smells, and stimuli of the environment or my own thoughts, which sometimes feel like a herd of wild horses or a track full of Formula 1 cars. The accelerated thinking of hypomania, combined with excessive stimulation, can be a ticking time bomb in my brain. If I don't explode into an aggressive outburst or a meltdown, it will surely be an implosion, with a tremendous surge of antibodies and a general inflammatory autoimmune storm in which I have to battle digestive issues, insomnia, extreme tinnitus, joint pain throughout my body, and of course, depression and brain fog.
A few days of very frugal and careful eating, much more meditation than usual, solitude, silence, and a bit of digital disconnection usually calm these storms. But honestly, I'd rather duel with ten police officers and come home with fingernail paint on my fingers, or at least die fighting, than have to go through autoimmune flares every time I lose control or become severely dysregulated.
Living is quite unbearable sometimes.
@actuallyautistic