i don't want to have an autistic brain anymore. i don't want to have the experience of an abusive childhood to be able see how bad people can be, and be able to know how bad things can go.
i don't want to be able to take disparate ideas and see the connections between them any more. i don't want to see how history moves in cycles, and notice all the little things now that have parallels in the past before horrific events.
normally, i like being able to do that. i make good money with it. being able to risk/reward something quickly, without having to hem and haw, and seeing many ways a policy or software program can break has been important to me. being able to accurately assess how something will break months before it does, is something i pride myself on being able to do.
i've been able to get by with my lack of sociability, eye contact, etc pretty well. but i've delt with those my whole life.
but in the current climate, this seeing shit go down before it actually does is shitty and i don't want it anymore. i want my brain to stop.
i don't want it to understand anymore.
i want it to stop screaming at me to run as fast as i can to another country.
i want it to stop seeing former frat bros in uniforms knocking on my door.
i want the alarm bells to turn off now please.
they've been going off for too long now, but i know they won't ever for me if things go like i can see them going.