“Recovery”

Hey it’s me, I’m back again.
We used to be the best of friends.
You first met me, then fell in love.
You couldn’t seem to get enough.

That very first time was unforgettable,
Yet it seemed to also be unachievable.
But still, you would try and you would try-
To replace that very first high;
No matter how many people said “goodbye.”

You started making me number one,
More important than any daughter or son.
Oh, how our time always feels so brief.
You are now even losing your teeth…

I now control your life completely.
You do what I tell you repeatedly.
You stab yourself over and over again;
Searching for veins like their friends.

You no longer care how you look.
You’re nothing but a fish on my hook;
Youre my toy, I  refuse to let you go.
My God, how did my story get so low?

You start just trying to OD and die-
Feeling already dead on the inside;
Feeling so fucking alone to the core-
No one answers their phone anymore.

But one day you say “enough;”
I’m tired of trying to be tough.
I can’t do this on my own;
I can’t fight like this alone.

So I kicked you out of my life,
And you took all that pain and strife-
That I had been holding on to for years.
I can’t explain all of the happy tears;

But I still come knocking time to time…
Now I know what to do with your kind.
So I stay as far away as I can;
And I praise my God, that’s my plan.

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~☆*Happy 18 months clean to me!*☆~ ️

I decided to post this a little early just because it’s weighing heavy on my mind and heart. And shit I’m only one day off lol anyways I’m just so fucking excited to pick up my 18 month chip tomorrow. I’ve worked SO fucking hard for this shit man… this is going to be long, but if you want to hear a little more about my story from junkie to sober, responsible member of society working at my dream job at The Haven giving back and spreading the message every day that I go to work then keep reading
*Three of those mugshots I was in a turtle suit (had my clothes removed and replaced with a velcro green suit. No blankets no sheets just me naked in a cell with that damn turtle suit. Per suicide or aggressive protocol.) I’m missing a few mugshots these were all I can find. The ones in Panama city I couldn’t find.

The 20th makes 18months free from the hell of heroin, fentanyl, meth, and needle addiction in general. I spent all of my 20s strung out, dope sick, stealing from people that loved and cared about me, being stuck in abusive relationships, boosting from stores (stealing then returning stolen goods), stealing electronics from big chain stores like tvs and grow lights for my dealer, basically stealing from anyone that gave me the chance. I’ve been to jail more times than I can count. I’ve been arrested for having heroin and needles on me, aggravated battery, multiple probation violations (I couldn’t complete probation for the fucking life of me. I just had to sit my time out in jail.) I violated my felony probation by catching a DUI and had to do 9 months in jail. I’ve been arrested for fraud, grand theft auto, failure to appear, etc. Just in and out for years. I’m a convicted felon. I ended up baker acted (involuntary psych hold) multiple times because of the severe withdrawals. I tried breaking my own arms in jail because the aching and skin crawling and pain was so fucking bad I figured I just needed to break my arms because that’s where the pain was the worst. Hopefully then they’d give me some pain pills.
I’ve tried killing myself more times than I can count. Tried slitting my wrist a few times, tried suffocating myself by lightning charcoal that I had stolen from Winn Dixie in my bathroom and sealing off the room and breathing it in for a good 15 or so minutes but I just got a bad headache…
I tried hanging myself but just broke the ceiling fan. I’ve tried overdosing with pills and with fentanyl and did actually over dose a good 4 or five times but was revived by one time cpr and the other times with narcan. And idk if you’ve ever been narcanned after being high on H but that shit fucking HURTS.
I’ve gone through precipitated withdrawals which caused excessive projectile vomiting and seizures and diarrhea and felt like my bones were about to shatter inside my body.
I’ve been homeless begging people to let me stay with them. Mostly ended up staying with my plugs who treated me like shit. One of them actually kept me locked inside his camper with no power, no water, only a pile of heroin and a bottle of water to shoot it up.
I’ve begged on street corners for money.
I’ve done and been through shit that really fucked me the hell up…
None of it was enough to get me to quit though.

What did cause me to finally be done for good was when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was the one person who NEVER gave up on me and did EVERYTHING in his fucking power to save me. Well his cancer was exactly what saved me. I went to my 4th and last rehab after I made a deal with God that if he saved my dad, I would never put another needle in my body again. And God actually came through. It took a while though I watch my dad almost die in front of me from all the chemo and radiation he was in the hospital for fucking months and had multiple strokes and was inches away from death. We started talk about hospice… throughout this time I was still using and heavier than ever because that was the only way that I wouldn’t cry every fucking day…
But one day my dad just started getting better. And we finally started getting our hope back that everything would be okay. And once I got the official notice that his cancer went into remission, my mom saw me shooting up and we all knew it was time to get me some help.
I went to my fourth and last rehab and then once graduated, I moved across the country to Texas and moved into an Oxford House with my cat. And tomorrow I celebrate 18 fucking months clean.
And so far over the past 18 months, God has kept his promise and my dad is still in remission and we are closer than ever. I’ve also reconnected with my mom and we are now best friends we all talk just about every other day.

Sorry this was long but I just wanted to show first hand that miracles happen and that you CAN get and STAY clean if you fight hard enough and refuse to give up or give in. If someone like me can do it, you sure as hell can.

Here’s some pictures of me in active addiction and then me 18 months clean working my dream job at a detox facility
️ #wedorecover ️

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