I needed a new password so I used “BeefStew”
but the computer rejected it because it was not stroganoff
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#jokeoftheday
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Joke of the day (yes this was in the news today):
Orange Goblin should get the peace nobel price.
Joke of the day number 2:
Guess who said that....
I recently changed my name to Steppenwolf. I was born Toby Wilde.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down!
I was in the supermarket with the wife, and right out of the blue, she said
“What a lazy bastard, you are!”
I was so surprised, I nearly fell out of the trolley!
Q: What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
A: Ian
I keep having dreams about riding a horse.
It’s six nights on the trot now.
Just been to the gym because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour though, as I started to feel sick.
But it’s great, it does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
When abroad, should James Bond be known as +44 07 ?
At the age of 65, my grandma started walking 10 miles a day.
She’s 92 now, and we have no idea where she is.
“Son, you are adopted!”
“Wow! Who are my birth parents then?”
“Oh we are your birth parents! Your adopted parents are just on their way to pick you up”
Random poetry revision of the day:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Sure, you're hot. But you're so f*cking exhausting
Not saying I'm a bad cook but I made a cottage pie yesterday and the council condemned it
I need help. After years of driving a manual car, I have switched to an automatic and it won't drive at night. When I put it in D to drive in the day it's fine, but when I put it in N to drive at night, it just won't work.
Person 1: I'll have a cappuccino.
Person 2: I'll have a cappuccino as well.
Person 3: Waiter, bring a pot of ccino and three cups.
Don’t make the same mistakes twice! Say NO to reincarnation!
I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height … they didn't like me critter sizing.
My mum is always saying “40 is the new 30". Lovely lady, just lost her driving licence.
Police are hunting a 'Knitting Needle Nutter', who stabbed six people in the backside recently, they believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.