Reputation, Creativity, and Perspective Shifts

Earlier this year, I posted on Mastodon about fighting the urge to delete this blog, as well as everything else I’ve ever created. Replies informed me that I never know who I’m helping, and that if creating is meaningful to me that no one should be able to take that away from me. I greatly appreciated their perspective and took their words into consideration when determining how to move forward. However, I couldn’t just leave it at that. I had to dig deeper to discover the reason for my desire to delete myself from the internet. Several things were happening at once, which is one of the reasons the urge to disappear was so intense this time. Let’s talk about it. 

This blog is currently the most important thing to me. Everything I write here is deeply personal. I am sharing myself with the world, and by doing so, I acknowledge these words are open to other people’s interpretations. They could read them and invalidate my knowledge and experience. Anyone committed to misunderstanding me could leverage what is written here to reinforce negative feelings about me. 

This concern isn’t entirely unfounded, either. Last year, someone, who does not know me at all and has never communicated with me directly, quote posted one of my Mastodon posts to inform me that I should remain single for the rest of my life. In the past, something like this would have sent me on a shame spiral. This time, however, I immediately knew her triggered response had everything to do with her and nothing to do with me. Yay, growth! Unfortunately, someone I have had a conversation with boosted her post, and that hurt. I thought better of them. It’s unfortunate I saw any of this. Mastodon didn’t officially support quote posts at the time, so I wasn’t mentioned. I discovered it by chance when I was searching for information out of concern for someone else. Why do people seek out triggering content from people they don’t like, just to bully that person? Why do others amplify hateful content? It makes me sad that people bond over such negativity. I would also never say someone deserves to be alone forever. I believe everyone deserves love, support, and healing, and that absolutely includes people who are no longer in my life and who have hurt me. 

This showed me first-hand that people are watching, not to support or to gain understanding, but to judge and criticize. Why are people like this? 

Still, this wasn’t enough on its own to make me consider disappearing from the internet. I have also experienced several life-altering shifts in perspective. I just don’t see past situations or people in the same way at all. Because of these changes, I no longer resonated with some of the content posted here. At the same time, the purpose of this blog is to show my healing progress, and that isn’t possible if I’m deleting or editing anything that no longer represents who I am. I was struggling to determine what to keep and what to delete, and if there was even a point if I’d just be misunderstood anyway. 

Luckily, Astrology came to the rescue. I realized I was already feeling the influence of the upcoming Venus and Mercury retrograde in Aries and Pisces, as well as just having gone through eclipses in my 4th and 10th houses. Venus retrograde is about redesigning a certain area of your life, based on what you want, and with Mercury also going retrograde, there is a lot of ruminating on the past to figure out how to move forward. Additionally, after a series of eclipses in my 4th (home and family) and 10th (public reputation) houses, major beginnings and endings are indicated in these areas of life. This is very much the case for me, and I have been thinking a lot about things that have happened and the impact I have on others. I understand I cannot control how others perceive me, but I can attempt to ensure anything I share, as well as the actions I take, align with my values and the person I am becoming. 

I waited until after the Venus casimi (March 22) and the Mercury casimi (March 24) to make any decisions about this blog. Additionally, I have not done anything that isn’t reversible if I change my mind. I’m pretty sure I’ve made the right decision in this case, however, and here’s why. 

Last year, I wrote about losing a friend, who I still miss every single day. At first, I was struggling with being suddenly and unexpectedly blocked and removed from everything. There was no conversation, and that hurt and confused me. This is all fair and understandable. However, the more I healed, the more I became aware of the potential impact of my posts. I have accepted that she no longer wants anything to do with me. I wrote here that it felt like she wanted to wipe my existence from the planet. While I wish that weren’t the case, and even though I did not intentionally hurt her, impact is greater than intention, so how I feel doesn’t matter. I have to let her go, and in doing so, out of respect, I’ve decided to delete the post specifically about her. I thought about how she might feel if she ever read my posts, and realized she may not appreciate what was shared. 

I’ve also decided to remove a couple of posts regarding a series of events that took place in 2023. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, my perspective has changed and I view all of the experiences through a different lens. Additionally, I have reached a point in my healing journey where I no longer regret the decisions I made. I can understand the unconscious forces behind things that happened, and I am grateful for the experiences that taught me so much about myself. I’ve always tried to respect people by not using names, but people talk and can figure out who I am referring to. It is never my intention to cause harm with my posts, and I certainly don’t want to add fuel to the fire that allows people to continue passing judgment on others. I may write about these situations again, but if this happens, it will be from a different perspective and will include lessons I’ve learned along the way. 

When it comes to my other content, such as my accessible tech videos and podcasts, considering deleting everything comes from imposter syndrome. I don’t think my content is good enough, that I know enough, or that I created regularly enough to make a difference. Others can create content on a more regular basis, produce higher quality work, and keep up with all the social media engagement required to actually be taken seriously. Occasionally, other people would participate in podcast episodes with me, but most of the work was all me. TikTok was the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the most difficult. Creating content regularly, and responding to comments was so overwhelming. I would also panic anytime a video started to gain traction, because higher view counts meant more comments to read, filter, and respond to, and a greater possibility of negative comments. This is apparently common for people who struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which at least makes me feel a little better for struggling so much. Getting to help people was my favorite part about TikTok, and what I miss most about the platform. Now, I have to find other ways to do that. 

While I contemplated my place on the internet and whether or not to delete content, I removed the link to this blog as well as links to my other work from my Mastodon profile, and edited the bio to include only a placeholder sentence. I plan to rewrite the bio, but what do I include? This is always a challenge for me, but especially now. How do I describe myself? Who am I in relation to other people? What should be included to best represent me? I’ll figure it out, but I am trying not to put pressure on myself to fix it within a certain timeframe. It’ll happen when it happens. I will add my links back to the profile soon, however, because I am proud of what I’ve done and who I am becoming. 

Hopefully future posts will reflect my growth, and anyone who could benefit from what I share here will discover this blog. Thanks for reading!