so few things for everynyan:
1. i lost access to my email acct for this. this also affects my steam account.
2. i also forgot the password of said accounts so technically my only access point was this phone
3. ...which im gonna decomission due to fam stuff. not to worry, it'll be replaced by a more powerful phone feature wise.
so if i disappeared, just hook me up on my twitters
im not really depressed or shit but i dont like logging on or maybe talking to my peeps online
like: i dont even have a reason there. she was doing her school stuff. she was busy with her games. she's at work. i dont think im actually needed. irl friends are no different: everyone was doing their own shit that we dont have a time we can ideally get together. and my mom doesnt want me to go out the house (my fault there lol)
i rather in my own thoughts and be busy too. i just dont want them to worry about the sudden disappearance, im probably typing away somewhere. just DM me if you need me
my biggest main reason why i dont accept labels is the fact any labels would be an offense to anyone who has it
- lesbian: actually iz a respect for my colleague who's a lesbian. like, i need to show enough work to be considered one! i still look burgeoning, in a negative way
- gay: i like women. my only relationships are all cishets, except nowadays. i like men but never experimented
- bisexual: remember the "bi label is trans exclusionist"? yep.
- trans: too much cispassing and pre-everything to be considered one.
- queer : im still fiscally conservative enough to be queer. although...
- intersex: dummy this is a medical thing.
- ace/agen: im too sexual to be ace.
- nonbinary: i cispass the fuck out that no one wondered if im one. nope.
- pansexual: i hate sex. like i see it as a job and not pleasure.
- romantic: too neither in anything.
hinestly im lost and just "fuck it"
...and im sorry. im sorry im not around. sorry if i cant help you. i know even minutiae would be great for you yylet i couldnt. im sorry i never noticed anything, shouldve noticed it already too dearly. i wish i can keep my guard up. i wish i can keep my guard up. i wish i was there. and yeah zeropunctation is right: your problems cant be solved in 3 days.
on the flipside, we can make new wonderful memories! even if im just as virtual as a ghost right now, we could share more fun times! and god i should just focus on that ><
for the meantime, i want you to revel in the small victories. buy a cake for no fucking reason. you deserve it.
in any case imma buy myself some lemonsquare cheesecake tmrw for a celebration. thank god i can still talk. but im scared.
mentions of suicide
i seriously wanna puke when shit hit the fan onto me. like, in what universe it was okay for people to disappear like that? god i hate that adage "strangers die everyday": you can care so much yet so few. i cant care anymore of people: i rather be in my own walls because i know how awful life is.
i wish i can hurt myself again. why the fuck i shy away in death? i already tried several times now. i shouldnt be ashamed. what's wrong with me now? why i cant help them? why i'm this dumb?
hehehe. i just wish she would be much stronger than i will ever be. i eish i can suck all the weakness of the world; i can handle it.
...heh. this is the same words my irl friend used to say: i envy people with terminal diseases because they will die. am i saying those same words again?
mentions of suicide
re: [no subject]
what the fuck is going on with these people? maybe this is why they never spoke to me, or at least mustered some courage. it's awful
while at the same time i kinda chose this: to wish them to stumble down just a bit, or maybe even not talking to them. maybe i dont feel like it(i already gave up my own autonomy) or im spiteful(all the time) and yet seeing these messages i kinda sucky around it.
suicide isnt a joke and we took it all seriously: if not from my suicidal irl peepz i tired worrying everyday, maybe some other follower suddenly disappearing (actual death!) and now it happened today and i dont think my heart can handle it again.
two things: 1. i feel sorry for you. sorry i wasnt around nor checking. i never noticed it was this worst (and yes it was bad) but it's already a given to y'all, shouldve raised my guard 2. i wish i kinda knew what your plan is because i envy you and you tried. i wish im depressed enough to do it again.
can i do a wee bit of a confession to everyone? i really dont want to be referred as a "girl" or what not. my body isnt up for that and is probably expensive. i rather think of myself of it as one, up in my head. where i would be called insane for being one.
im more of a gerard way kind of nonbinary: is actually want to be a femboy someday but has daddy things to do. as for me, i need it because it's cheaper not to change anything and safer (dont want to be outcasted again)
i only feel two things about it: either happiness that i was validated, or sadness that i can see the divide between my own self and the virtual; me being a transwoman is as illusory as me having an imaginary friend. and god i wish some sugar mommy would pinkpill me. im that desperate.
as a person who thinks of gender as a thing you tick on a checkbox, it was weird