Pinned toot

[8-Bit Cover] Drenched Bluff | Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky

This has to be Spoink鈥檚 pearl! Quick! Let鈥檚 take it back!

youtu.be/ZNQJSwwyZSE

Apparently, clicking just 1 pixel below 鈥渟olo鈥 is enough to change the gain instead. Which I just accidentally and unknowingly did, followed by a light breeze making its way through my eardrums.

want to make anything 鈥減roper鈥 until the 2 issues I鈥檓 facing right now are Resolved because I鈥檓 worried that they won鈥檛 turn out as good as they could because I鈥檓 not fully focused and because I don鈥檛 want to associate my favourite songs with bad experiences. But it looks like I鈥檒l be entering standard orbit soon, it won鈥檛 be much longer until I鈥檓
Back from the underground,
Back with more.
I cover 100 times better
Than Lord Ganondor
F.

Show thread

I also wanted to cover a song for her. Unfortunately, I only almost finished the song today. The full music fideo will be uploaded soon鈩. I wonder if anyone knows what this is.

Covering this went unexpectedly well, was different, a lot of fun and took my mind off things. After this, I will continue covering stuff according to my list鈩: Ice Path because I absolutely love it and it fits the season, followed by either Twinleaf Town or Route 201. I鈥檝e been neglecting my beloved Sinnoh. But I don鈥檛

about. Apparently, my dad played my fideos in the call and asked my brother stuff like when I would upload a new fideo. Our mum heard that and assumed that I told him but not her, leading her to think I love him more than her. Of course, the only people I told what I do were Amarizo, my brother and our good old Ark friends. My dad must have found out because he follows me on Twitter. But it鈥檚 good that they know now, I don鈥檛 have to hide what I鈥檓 doing from them anymore.

Show thread

Fun fact #1: This is based on a photo I took in the exact same spot as last year鈥檚 drawing, only that I鈥檓 looking in the other direction.

Fun fact #2: The photos I used as references for these drawings were taken on 2019-11-10 when my mum invited me to a walk on the beach after she鈥檇 found my YT channel. And this is how it happened:

My brother was in the same room as our mum and in a Skype call with our dad. The call was on his laptop鈥檚 speakers, so she was able to hear everything they talked

Show thread

I drew this for my mum鈥檚 birthday. It didn鈥檛 turn out as good as it looked in my head, but I love sunsets and silhouettes and I have to actually do stuff and try new things to get better.

works and /c/ is the new system. Just / isn鈥檛 mentioned anywhere and both the new /phalio and the old (disgusting) /cf7lp lead to me now. And /user/cf7lp.

I guess that鈥檚 a good compromise, now both of us have a nice readable URL with our name to use. If they ever use their channel again, it doesn鈥檛 seem to be in use.

Show thread

Apparently, you can now change your YT URL thrice a year instead of once per channel, so I could finally get rid of mine from when I registered on YT in 2011. There is another 鈥 Phalio on YT and youtube.com/user/phalio leads to them. But youtube.com/phalio and youtube.com/c/phalio led nowhere. So I tried using 鈥減halio鈥 as custom URL 鈥 and it worked. Now, /user/phalio still leads to the impostor (original) while the other 2 lead to me. Apparently, /user/ is the old permanent system that still

and depressed mess. I will probably put these dreams on my website when it exists, I plan a section about my dreams. I mostly have the same nightmares over and over again, but occasionally, I have what I call a 鈥渟tory dream鈥 in which interesting and seemingly new things happen, like in a book.

Have a good night!

Show thread

will probably end soon and I鈥檒l get back to making stuff, which I鈥檓 very much looking forward to. I鈥檝e come to believe that admitting my weaknesses (and writing about stuff that interests me) here at least, instead of never telling anyone anything about me (except for Amarizo), helps me to finally accept them myself instead of suppressing them and denying them to others and even myself. I just hope that this won鈥檛 make people who read this despise me or make them think that I鈥檓 always a broken

Show thread

time, it was about more hidden, consequential, unexpected and therefore more horrifying fears. It鈥檚 unfortunate that retelling usual dreams, especially nightmares, does not at all capture how living that dream actually felt, especially because dreams mostly sound like random nonsense to the awake mind. Dreams are fascinating.

I spent 3.5 hours now writing down and thinking about that dream. Time to go back to sleep for 1, 2 hours. I鈥檓 sorry for so many negative tweets recently, my current low

Show thread

I just had one of the worst nightmares of my life. I even cried and said in the dream itself that almost all of my worst fears just came true. Then I woke up, barely able to comprehend anything, including the fact that it was just a dream that鈥檚 finally over and I started crying very badly. The last dream of comparable severity that also made me cry a lot was on 2019-08-02, about my worst fears at that time as well. In that nightmare, the things that happened were conscious long-time fears. This

One beauty of art is that I can make fictional characters externally express what I internally feel and what I would like to externally express myself, but for some reason don鈥檛 dare to do. Only in written words and drawn images.
:)

Show thread

I just need an environment that doesn鈥檛 keep resetting my progress. But I of course also don鈥檛 want to blame anyone for my failures and issues.

On to another night with 1, 2 hours of sleep and a 100 % chance of nightmares. But before I go, have a little of my genuine and unconditional love, even if I might not be able to express it well in direct words or with my suppressed facial expressions:

Show thread

criticism seriously while she does not. I still believe in and love her.

Apparantly, wanting to post two vent arts turned into posting 100 vent tweets until after 3 am. As usual, I can鈥檛 stop myself from writing. And for some reason, the later it gets, the more my thoughts and creativity flow. But the more tired I get, the less sense my thoughts and words make. I will surely regret this tomorrow. But I already feel better now and I believe a little more in myself and that I can accept myself.

Show thread

of always expecting anything positive to be taken back immediately after influenced me in not being able to accept love. My brother still hasn鈥檛 given up and still hopes every time that she will not take back and reverse a positive gesture the next day, as I did when I was his age. But I believe his hope will soon be exhausted as well.

The only way to change these issues is to become aware of this in oneself. This is easier for my type, as I constantly think about and question myself and take

Show thread

conditioned to expect that anything positive from her on one day will be completely negated and reversed the next day. I realised that a while ago and worked on saying nice things to her again. I鈥檓 really sorry for not being nice enough. But of course, the results don鈥檛 make a difference and forcing myself to say nice things to her feels like I have to tear myself apart. I hate this, I want to be nice to and give love to everyone, but I just can鈥檛 do it to her anymore. I guess this conditioning

Show thread

fake acts of love for a year, just to prevent her daily outbreaks, so I could survive. I never learnt how giving love works, so I always felt weird trying and held myself back. But I was never enough, so, eventually, I gave up. Me feeling like it was not enough was just as much my fault as it was hers. Since then, it has become nearly impossible for me to say something genuinely nice to her or even to smile in her presence. A blockade formed inside me that prevents me from doing so, as I was

Show thread

getting, wanting or accepting anything back, while the other happily feasts on the shower of compliments. Both get completely dependent on each other, fueling and feeding each other鈥檚 desires, but never actually solving and sating the core issue of genuine self acceptance. Therefore, they become addicted to each other and yet, as the feeding increases but the hunger never wanes, eventually very unhappy with each other.

I mostly stopped showing her love like 6 years ago, after it turned into

Show thread

My type leads me to being afraid of relationships of any kind because I know I can鈥檛 accept love and because I think the love I give isn鈥檛 worth anything, but at the same time it leads me to wanting to shower others in love to compensate for and to gift others what I never experienced. Both types make especially romantic/sexual relationships toxic and impossible to work out. But the worst case were both types being in a relationship with each other, as one happily showers the other in love, not

Show thread
Show older
Mastodon 馃悩

Discover & explore Mastodon with no ads and no surveillance. Publish anything you want on Mastodon: links, pictures, text, audio & video.

All on a platform that is community-owned and ad-free.