Pinned toot

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Pinned toot

Mastodon has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, just say it anyway.

Pinned toot

I have to do something I don't want to, which is pretty much every day of being an adult.

Pinned toot

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at their toots.

My late grandmother said that if we kept having kids we would need a farm to feed them. We just laughed and laughed. It's not funny now.

When a job application asks for my address, can I just put 2005 Honda Civic?

All of these companies are like we are sorry about these hard times, this coronavirus is some bullshit. We are here for you. Here's your bill. Hurry up and pay it.

The next set of boobs I see better have a 3rd nipple

These Facebook avatars are a neat way to see what you all think you look like.

I spent more time on my Facebook avatar than any test or paper in college.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

I have learned way more from watching YouTube videos on the toilet than 4 years of going to college.

i’ve basically been homeschooled since i got married tbh

“Can you help me with this?”
- every kid, nearly every minute of the lockdown

Finally made it to the doctor today and almost forgot what it was like to write my name and address on 150 pieces of paper.

Any time I unload the dishwasher I “accidentally” leave it open just so my wife knows what I did.

I have a bad habit of eating right before bed and also all the other time.

I’ve never made any of the recipes I said “send me the recipe” for.

Marriage is about finding that one special person to play “who’s going to empty the bathroom trashcan” chicken with for the rest of your lives.

I’m at the age where I start most sentences with “I used to.”

I will run any errand for you as long as it doesn’t include making a left hand turn.

“Keto-friendly” is just a marketing term for “disgusting.”

I have no idea what a Vanderpump is and I never will.

Reached that level of old where I get up when it’s dark and go to bed while it’s still light.

I’m in the bathroom and I can hear my 5yo heavily breathing outside the door like some kind of horror movie.

Show more
Mastodon 🐘

Discover & explore Mastodon with no ads and no surveillance. Publish anything you want on Mastodon: links, pictures, text, audio & video.