Pinned toot

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Pinned toot

Mastodon has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, just say it anyway.

Pinned toot

I have to do something I don't want to, which is pretty much every day of being an adult.

Pinned toot

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at their toots.

Taking the road less travelled because I just spotted my ex.

Turns out there is no real evidence of the struggle being real.

I emailed my therapist over a week ago to schedule a video session and I haven't heard back, so that's being added to my list of fucking issues I'm trying to sort out 🤬

People are a little nutty these days or maybe they are just hiding it less.

A smile is like an exit Out of the room where you don't really want to be.

Dick jokes are only funny when they're short.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. It matters not that this was our only call today.

Makes you wonder how long you’d sit on hold if your call wasn’t important to them.

Your call isn't that important to us. Hold or don't. Whatever.

My late grandmother said that if we kept having kids we would need a farm to feed them. We just laughed and laughed. It's not funny now.

When a job application asks for my address, can I just put 2005 Honda Civic?

All of these companies are like we are sorry about these hard times, this coronavirus is some bullshit. We are here for you. Here's your bill. Hurry up and pay it.

The next set of boobs I see better have a 3rd nipple

These Facebook avatars are a neat way to see what you all think you look like.

I spent more time on my Facebook avatar than any test or paper in college.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

I have learned way more from watching YouTube videos on the toilet than 4 years of going to college.

i’ve basically been homeschooled since i got married tbh

“Can you help me with this?”
- every kid, nearly every minute of the lockdown

Finally made it to the doctor today and almost forgot what it was like to write my name and address on 150 pieces of paper.

Any time I unload the dishwasher I “accidentally” leave it open just so my wife knows what I did.

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