My spine likes to say stuff like "Make no bones about it!" or "I am the *backbone* of this relationship!", or "I'll be back." I guess you could say, my back is kind of a pain.

I considered becoming a black market toast dealer, but then I found out it's a crummy career and investors frequently get burned.

When people start insulting hard-working pencils, that's where I draw the line!

How do I recycle used pixels? Can I just dump the whole bit bucket into the green bin, or do I need to separate them out by category?

They say breakfast is the most important battle of the day...

A temple in the distant future. A giant statue of Clippy looms over an altar.

"It looks like you're trying to start a religion. Would you like a savior?"

And now, the Sock Report: Tube socks are going long, ankle socks are down, dress socks looking good.

I always expected Aunt Bea to snap one day and take out half the population of Mayberry wielding a cast iron pan.

"Assume a spherical blueberry in a vacuum..."


Monogrammed cocktail glasses are a handy gift for someone who tends to drink so much they forget who they are.

If you're feeling particularly whimsical, tell people you gave up religion for Lent.

ONE STONE TO SEE THEM ALL Palantir Service and Repair
Restore long lost bandwidth!
Scratches - chips - cracks our specialty!
Down-to-Middle-Earth pricing
Discreet in-Tower service by appointment
"We're in the Yellow Scrolls under 'Palantirs'"

In space, no one can hear you do that hand-in-armpit artificial fart thing.

I put my phone in "Airplane!" mode, but then it developed a drinking problem.

I keep hearing about people's phones being hacked and their "personal" photos ending up online. If my phone is ever hacked, they're just gonna find a bunch of head shots of me making silly faces.

If thou gaze long into the Abbess, the Abbess will also gaze into thee. And probably demand that you leave the convent immediately.

You kids get off my lawn - you don't know where it's been!

Once you turn 60, you're legally obligated to say things like "darn tootin' " a minimum of two times a day.

"And the winner of the Mindfulness Award is...Bob!"

*cheers from audience*

Bob: "...Hmm? Sorry, what?"

*unmindful angry jeers from audience*

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